Have you ever looked at a thin or fit woman and thought to yourself “Well, she’s not happy. She can probably only eat lettuce and she can’t have a cocktail and it’s way better to be me?” Ok, maybe you don’t think exactly that. But maybe something along those lines, the point being that we help ourselves work out of guilt by assuming that our life is superior to the one they’re living.

It’s normal to do this (at least, that’s what my therapist tells me). It’s a sign of a healthy, functioning brain. Because our brain craves homeostasis – our brains want things to stay the same. Your brain does not want you to think “wow, I’ll bet if I dialed in my nutrition, I could get quads like her.” Because if you think that, you’ll change! And you’ll change a lot. You’ll change what you eat, what you think, your mindset, your routine, your priorities.

Money avoidance is the same concept. It’s not simply that you avoid thinking about money. It’s that you avoid having it, because of what you think about people who do have it. You don’t save, not because you’re a spendthrift but because you have a feeling of superiority, moral or otherwise, over those who are wealthy.

This is my money script. If you read my introduction on Girl Meets Money, you already know that I grew up with the sentiment that people who have money were somehow worse off – they couldn’t possibly know the meaning of love, or family. The Bible states that it is easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of Heaven. Why would I want to be rich if it will keep me from Heaven?! Who would want that? So having money meant that you clearly weren’t on the same righteous path, obviously. You wanted the rewards of this earth more than the rewards that God meant for you. What better way to judge someone than on God’s own word?

I have a book my grandmother gave me, called ‘We Had Everything But Money.’ It’s a strange book, which contains story after story of how wonderful the Great Depression was. Because without money, humans connect in a different way. They share, they barter, they communicate. They tend to be more communal, as more hands make lighter work. They love one another – which is exactly what God commanded us to do. I’ve never in my life met anyone who was nostalgic for the Great Depression, besides my grandma. Born in 1933, she grew up on a rural farm with her 3 brothers and 2 sisters. This was the lifestyle her family lived, and while not idyllic for some, it was for her. She longed for that simplicity, that closeness, the intergenerational nature of families, all of which had faded away after her children had grown and flown.

My money avoidance wasn’t conscious. I didn’t even realize this was happening until a couple of years ago. It was actually at a work event with our Leadership Team – remember, I’m a leader in a Wealth Management firm. We were sitting around after dinner, finishing up the wine and storytelling, and while I don’t remember the exact conversation, it had something to do with some of the luxury homes on a particular street in St. Louis. My response was, apparently, one of judgement, and my colleague responded with “Have you ever thought that you might have some issues with people who have money?” I felt called on the carpet, and I was. Rightly so. I work with wealthy people. In relationship with them, I don’t have any judgement for them or their wealth. But what came to light from that conversation is that most, if not all clients I’ve ever worked with, have accumulated their own wealth, not inherited it. Something about the self-made person puts me more at ease, likely the fact that I identify with them so much more easily, and importantly, the fact that I do really want to do the same thing. I truly don’t make a conscious effort to not have money! But subconsciously… it’s there. And it runs deep. I believe it’s literally part of my genetic code, passed on to me by my parents and grandparents.

So what can I do about it? In most areas of my life where I’ve desired change, I believe it’s good to start with making the unseen seen. That means asking myself, what are the behaviors I’m engaging in that are automatic, and are sabotaging my success? Personally, I find journaling to be the best way to go about this exercise, but I get that journaling may not be your thing. Another way is to ask a close friend or a partner. They know you better than you know yourself in this area, and their thoughts are clear of the inner monologue in your head. My husband can often identify when I’m unhappy at work long before I can. He sees the signs, picks up on inflections in my voice, changes in what I’m eating or drinking. I don’t see them – I’m busy convincing myself internally that it’s all going to be ok, or that it’s all my fault, or somewhere in between. So please, I know it’s hard – but ask.

Now that you can see the signs, you literally cannot unsee them. You know if your screen time went up to 3 hours a day on your iPad or phone that it’s because you were filling shopping carts on various websites and maybe or maybe not impulse clicking “buy.” You know that if you’re out of hangers in your closet (this is my personal tell), you’ve been overbuying clothes. You see that you’re trying very hard not to add up the costs for this next vacation so that you don’t feel guilty about it (oh, I do this one a LOT). Once you see it, it can’t be unseen. Once you see it, you can change it. You can’t unspend money, just like you can’t unread a book or unwatch a movie. But you can pay more attention the next time. You can think about what you wish you had done differently, and ask yourself why you did it. From here, you’ll start identifying the root cause, not just the symptom. Sometimes for me, if I take a different route home and find myself ogling those luxury homes, I know now that I’m going to get on Wayfair and fill up a cart to numb my feelings about it. Knowing that, I can make a new plan. Maybe a friend can meet me for a chat after work. Maybe I can take the kids on a walk to the park. Maybe I can crack open the new book that’s been on my TBR stack for months. Whatever the plan is, I now reclaimed some agency in the decision.

It doesn’t end there, but trust me, that’s a pretty heavily engaging step. I love to talk to women who are ready to take ownership of their money and learn new ways of doing things. If that’s you, I’m right here.