A trip to Target just cost me $300. Most of the cart was filled with “back to school” – not really supplies, but things like new pjs for girls who outgrow everything in 6 months, lunchboxes, new dance shoes, whiteboards for bedrooms because my kids love to write down their own routines for the days ahead. I did sneak a couple things in… some hair products and a bottle of cheap wine for a family gathering tomorrow (ok it was 2). But even with the “cheap” water bottles at 10 bucks each, the money went fast.

I’m incredibly thankful that we could toss what we need into the cart, not minding a budget that, if exceeded, would tank us somewhere else for the month. We just got what we needed and wanted, and didn’t so much worry about it.

This is easier said than done, but the trick I am trying to lean into is Reverse Budgeting. When a paycheck comes, savings comes out first, just like the tax and insurance withholdings that happen. It direct deposits or immediately transfers to the 401(k) or the joint Trust account for investments. I just got to the point where that Trust savings is a meaningful number. I’d love to blame someone else for that, but it’s all a result of choices I and my husband have made over time. We threw a hell of a party at our wedding. We drive nice cars. We built a home in 2017 that took 2 years and every bit of our savings, and we’ve run at a deficit since then. I don’t thrift shop, not even for the kids’ clothes or shoes. I don’t skimp on the gym. I don’t skimp on our travel either.

I have made these choices mostly with my eyes wide open. As I’ve discussed before, money avoidance is definitely my script, my default tendency. Why save everything for a retirement I might never get to? For kids who need to earn their way in the world, not inherit wealth. I have used my earning potential to make my life easier now. To make my life more comfortable now. And also for therapy.

The End of History Illusion is partially to blame here. This phrase was coined in an article published in the journal Science in 2013. Ask a 30 year old how much she will change in the years until she is 40, and she’ll say not much at all. She’s pretty fully baked, in her mind. But ask a 40 year old how much change they’ve experienced since age 30, and she’ll be overwhelmed with trying to account for it all. We all think we’re living in the end of history. Our future selves are a blur, something like we are right now, but so much less real to us because we are not guaranteed to make it there. So it’s hard to save, to scrimp and give up pleasures today, for this unknown person, who we think of as basically a stranger. For someone who avoids money accumulation because it carries connotations of hell, it’s enough to keep me spending like the ship is going down.

But the reality is stark, and I have to face it, especially now that I’m responsible for an entire family, not just myself. It’s their future too. Even if I’m gone, the odds are pretty strong that at least one of them is left behind, probably all 3, and I want them to have means to care for themselves, to take the time they need to adapt to a new life. This risk is much more palpable. Women have a longer life expectancy than men. My husband lost his own mother early. This is my motivation to change, to save, to plan for a future, whether or not I’m in it. I very much want to be part of it and enjoy every bit.

So it has been small steps for me, and honestly I’m so damn proud of having a monthly automated savings right now that I tear up a little bit thinking about it. When I am struggling to pay off last month’s credit card bill, I don’t even think about dipping into that Trust account. Never. That’s separate. It’s for the future, whether that’s for me or my kids, and it’s off limits. Honestly just having a separate custodian that I’d have to log into is enough to make me pause, but it’s not always enough to make me stop from transferring savings over to use that month, ignoring the pain I caused myself by spending $300 at Target, when I could have probably gotten what we needed for half that.

Reverse budgeting can help solve this, and automation helps even more. Get it where it needs to go before you ever see it. Save first, as much as you can. First comes the 401(k) dollars you need to put in the employer match, because that’s free money, then build your emergency savings. Earmark what you need for your utilities, your vehicles, gas and groceries. If needed, put those in their own separate bill pay account, or bucket if you’re using an account that allows that type of sorting. What’s leftover is what I call “Safe Spending” – meaning that as long as you don’t outspend this money each month, you can use every bit of it.

It took me almost 45 years. A decade as a financial professional. So if I can do it, believe me – anyone can. It’s all about choices and mindset, and I know that mindset is a choice. Even if your future self eludes you, consider your current, or future, family or friends – whoever will survive you. Save for them. Save for possibility. Save to give your future self options. I love talking to people on this journey with me, so if that’s you, I’m right here. Let’s meet money together.