Sometimes, you just have to get better at budgeting. I don’t know many folks who love it – though there are some who gain joy in stocking away pennies, who pride themselves on what they didn’t spend. That has never been my particular affliction. Money avoidance, that’s what I got… not that I avoid thinking about it, I think about it all the time. I avoid keeping it. That’s an essay for another day.

I set a generous range for what we would spend on our “annual” trip this year to visit Mickey & Co. My parents joined us. There were memories that simply had to be made. Dressing as princesses in the boutique, dinner at the castle, our favorites revisited. Why would I restrict memories to be made? What kind of monster am I?

I’m no monster – and so I treated money like a novice in this case. I had a number in mind that as long as we didn’t go over, we were fine. I thought that would be enough. We spend some money for sheer convenience – having easier transportation, renting strollers, etc. I really don’t like nickel & diming in the parks. I don’t want to negotiate with the kids over which souvenir they choose, whether it’s the $40 Lego set or the $60 one. I don’t like it, I don’t do it. And we had a BLAST. We also had more than we could fit in our suitcases on the way home.

Then the inevitable came – I’m still an accountant at heart, even though I don’t work as one anymore. I might want to be liberal with what we spend, but I still want to know how much it was. So I added it all up, and I didn’t go over my number! Amazing! Hooray! But – looking at it all together, I had a pit in my stomach. It was an extravagant number. It was one I thought we wouldn’t hit – but we got far closer than necessary. And the kicker? We can’t wait to go back. But at this pace, we absolutely can’t afford it.

I’m not one to say I can’t afford something. It’s about choices – I can afford this if I don’t get that, and just like any other priority in life, I can make it work if I really, really want to. Could we “afford” this trip? Sure. Could we “afford” to do it again in a few months? Maybe… if I really scaled some things back. If I took a hard look at how many pairs of shoes I bought the girls (ok, I’m one of the girls too). If I pulled back on my nutrition coaching, or went down to fewer training sessions a month at the gym. We could “afford” it.

But this is where the jig was up. I needed to step back and take a look at our family, and our values. What would those reallocations mean, and would we be aligned with what we believe? Is spending (one might even say blowing) a huge budget on vacations something we need to do to live our value of time and experiences together? What is important to us, what are we modeling to our children about money? What are we showing them is important? I think what comes through loud and clear is my desire not to say NO. To not draw boundaries on their spending because that makes me uncomfortable.

The truth is not quite black and white, but it’s pretty clearly visible. My family loves these trips. We love rides and we love fireworks and we love wandering around and spending time just the four of us. We love that everything is available and planned – we’re not a family that just takes off on a hike. We love building little traditions, and we love trying new things each time that are just a little scarier. We love these trips, and experiences together are truly something we value. However – my husband and I value stewardship. We value charitable giving along with saving responsibly for our own future. We don’t want our kids taking care of us financially any more than we do medically, and we have more control over the former. So these values have a tension, and we have to find where to live in that tension.

Now it becomes an exercise in what truly matters. Some traditions are included in the already generous price tag, and some aren’t. When I broke it down, a substantial portion of our spending went to restaurants – nice, sit down, enjoyable restaurants with really delicious food. We went everywhere we had gone in the past two trips, all smashed into one. There were days we weren’t even hungry for the next meal but we had a reservation. We went, we spent. Maybe more importantly, I know that I need to do better with giving the girls a souvenir budget. When they don’t have to say no to anything, everything feels like a yes. This is not the lesson I want them to learn, but because I’m embarrassed to say no to them, it’s what they’re learning. The meals don’t matter. The trinkets don’t matter. These are solvable problems, and they require solving for us to be living in alignment with our values.

The lessons are learned, and I’m not even concerned that these are hard changes to make. I’m ashamed, honestly, that it cost as much as it did to open my eyes to what I was doing. I know better. I have to do better. We have to do better. Because the money matters, for sure – and even more, the lessons our kids are learning through the money have to be the lessons we want them to learn.

There are small steps I can make today to make our values more visible to our kids. We value stewardship, and therefore, we tithe. For convenience, we process our tithe electronically – versus putting a check or cash in the basket each week at church. We can add to what we already do and put a check in the basket, so that this is visible to our kids. This brings up great questions and discussions with them, they don’t miss a thing. We each give to our alma maters, as we value education and the ability of all people to access higher ed options. How can we show them? Again, we could easily write and mail checks to be seen by the kids, but I think here is a good opportunity for a dinner table chat, an add on to the tithe discussion. These two buckets of spending are linked by the underlying value of stewardship.

Lastly, I think about how to share with the kids that we first save for ourselves, before we ever spend anything on trips, or shopping, or even groceries. Our retirement savings never sees the light of a checking account, and we allocate direct deposits to our joint trust account for the same reason. What does this conversation look like? This is a homework assignment for me – to talk to my husband, to research other people’s thoughts on talking to kids about money, but most importantly, to dig deeply into my own WHY. I save for future self myself because my parents couldn’t. I save for my future self because even though I love my job, I probably won’t be able to do it forever to the full extent that I do now. And maybe the best thing to do is ask my girls – how do you see mom & dad spend and save money? What questions do you have? Most of the time, they’re much smarter than I am giving them credit for.

Are you ready to change the story you’re telling your kids about money? I am. Money is less lonely when you share it with others. Have a conversation with your friends and family, ask others how they’ve talked to their kids about it. But most importantly, talk to your kids. They’re looking to you – not necessarily for answers, guidance is enough. Tell them your WHY. Give them that gift.

Disclaimer: This content reflects personal experiences and views and is provided for general educational purposes only. It is not intended as individualized financial, investment, tax, or retirement advice. Readers should consult their personal financial professional regarding their specific circumstances.